[LUCIFER] Haha, looks like you could use some help
From the big boss of Hell himself
Check out daddy’s glowing reviews on Yelp
(Five stars! Flawless! Greater than great!)
Oh, with the punch of a pentagram
I wap-bam-boom, alakazam
Usually, I charge a sacrificial lamb
But you get the family rate 

[LUCIFER & CHARLIE] Thanks dad! 

[LUCIFER] Who needs a busboy, now that you’ve got the chef? (Woah-oh-oh)
Michelin-tasting menu, free à la carte
I’ll rig the game for you because I’m the ref
Champagne fountains, caviar mountains, that’s just to start! 

[ALASTOR] Who’s been here since day one?
Who’s been faithful as a nun?
Makes you chuckle with an old-timey pun
Your executive producer 

[CHARLIE] That’s true! 

[ALASTOR] I’m your guy, your day-to-day
Your chum, your steadfast hotelier
Remember when I fixed that clog today? 

[NIFFTY] I was stuck, thank you sir! 

[CHARLIE] Oh you! 

[ALASTOR] I’m truly honored that we’ve built such a bond
You’re like the child that I wish that I had 

[LUCIFER] Uh, what? 

[ALASTOR] I care for you, just like a daughter I spawned 

[LUCIFER] Hold on now! 

[ALASTOR] It’s a little funny, you could almost call me dad

[Instrumental Break] 

[ALASTOR] They say, when you’re looking for assistance
It’s smart to pick the path of least resistance 

[LUCIFER] Others say, that in your needy hour
There’s no substitute for pure angelic power!
Who just happens to also be your blood! 

[ALASTOR] Sadly, there are times a birth parent is a dud
They say the family you choose is better 

[LUCIFER] What a bunch of losers 

[ALASTOR] Can you butt out of my song? 

[LUCIFER] Your song? I started this! 

[ALASTOR] I’m singing it, I’ll finish it!

[LUCIFER] Oh, you tacky piece of— 

[MIMZY] It’s me, yes it’s me
I know you were all waiting for me
I’m here, what a gas
Took a while, but I’m present at last
It’s me, it’s me
Mimzy! 

[LUCIFER, spoken] Who?